Dear Gavin,

This day last year I was 6 months pregnant with you and looking forward to a fun-filled christmas. I had no idea that in a few short hours I would be lying in a hospital bed surrounded by doctors and nurses trying to keep you alive while keeping me pregnant. The physical pain and deep mental anguish of those days would have dragged me down to the depths of despair had it not been for the overwhelming love and comfort I felt from my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. Life at that time was a fog of uncertainty. would you live? Would you die? If you lived, what quality of life awaited you? Were we prepared as people and as parents to be who you needed us to be? To do all that you would need us to do? Only a mother who has been through this can know with what broken-hearted humility I went before the Savior to beg for the strength and faith to accept His plan for you, and for us. And then you were born. And not only did you survive, but you fought for life with such tenacity that you inspired everyone around you. Many months have passed since then, and though you continue to face many struggles in your everyday existence, you push on with such a cheerful spirit that I marvel at your ability to smile through such pain and discomfort.

This last year has been difficult for me as well, though I can't say I handle the discomfort half as well as you do. Being responsible for making major decisions related to your medical care can be terrifying and bewildering. I am constantly haunted by the fact that if I make a wrong choice or mistake, consequences for you could be painful and even permanent. Your father and I have learned so much of a deeper, more enduring form of faith than I ever knew existed through unrelenting prayer and petition on your behalf.

It occurred to me today that in all likelihood, you knew before you came to this earth each and every moment of suffering your premature entrance into this world would cause you. You saw the pain and the hardship you would endure, but you also saw the blessings your trials would bring to others and you chose to come. You saw families brought together in the unity of prayer and service, you saw the opportunities for faith, the light of hope that the miracle of your fight for life would bring. You saw a mother and father who would be forced into being better versions of themselves, better parents, spouses and children of God by learning the meaning of true selfless service. You saw all of this, and following the example of your older brother Jesus Christ, you chose to suffer so that others might have the opportunity to partake of the bounties of the Lord. Thank You. There is a song, a Christmas song that I have love called Breath of Heaven. I have always loved it, but now more than ever because you are my little breath of Heaven, my son and my frined, who I love so greatly. I hope to be a mother worthy of such a noble spirit, and that I never take for granted the opportunity you have provided me to grow closer to our Brother Jesus Christ.

Love, Mom